So many people tend to be confused about my situation and all about how I am a mother/grandmother...where I live and what I do...so I figured that I would write up what's been going and what is currently going on in my life (for those of you who are interested of course). In order to tell this story I have to go way back...but don't worry, I will fast forward through as much as I am able!
I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. That's it. That was my dream, to be a homemaker....yeah I know I did not have extremely HIGH expectations but that's what it was. I then had the desire to help people and so I decided to be a nurse...fast forward several years and there I was a nursing student at ORU (tulsa, OK) a secretary in the student nurses association and very involved in a lot of things....then CRASH (literally) ..my whole world fell apart and I was in a wheelchair back at home (El PAso) being tended to by family and angry with life. I tried going back to school after recovering but that did not work out at all. I began to teach (as a sub) and fell in love with teaching. I took a job as a kindergarten and Spanish teacher for a local Christian school.... and in that year , again my world flipped. I entered a whole nother world ....a world where women were cared for, babies were born to mothers who delivered them naturally. Women being empowered by their birth, where they call the shots and babies go home undrugged, alert and safe in the arms of their families....yes my friends, this is the world of Midwifery! A passion was born in me.....I had wanted to be a NICU or Labor and Delivery Nurse, but I never dreamed of delivering babies in this way. I was confused cause I loved teaching so much. My best friend had convinced me to try midwifery and do an internship at Casa de Nacimiento....so I did....and was hooked. Two of the midwives there saw potential in me and personally took me under their wing and gave me a beautiful gift....the midwife in me. This was a difficult time in life because I did this midwifery alone...my family wanted me to get a degree and be a nurse and did not understand my new love and passion. I couldn't explain what it was to catch that tiny new life and see and witness miracle after miracle. Fast forward and I had moved away.. I lived in AR and started a homebirth prctice with my bestie and later moved to DFW area in continuing midwifery. This is something I have resented, regretted, and LOVED! I loved it because I was able to get to help many families, make many friends, mentor teens, and do what I love...deliver babies! The part I regretted was leaving home and my family...during this time My grandmother's health was failing as was mine. All she wanted me to be was a nurse, her nurse. All I could do was survive and take care of the babies. I was Morbidly OBESE had neurological disorders, TIA ( mini stroke) and Type II Diabetes. I ended up in the hospital a few times and was given 10 yrs to live MAX (according to the DR). Things had to change ..... I had the lapband put in and lost quite a bit a weight....I began to trust that I would find a husband and actually have a family and take care of the women I needed to take care of. All but ONE, one of my favorite...my grandmother. My passion in life was keeping me from my family and there were days that I had wished I had finished school been that nurse and take care of HER....but I didn't. I don't regret being a midwife...it is who I am and I adore my profession, but I just wanted to care of HER. Life was great... I was given the administrator role of a gorgeous birth center...and built it up...I had just started this when all of sudden the call came in...SHE was gone. I missed it; I missed my time with her , my nursing her...oh what I wouldn't give to have one more day with HER!
I was numb but I immersed myself in my work and I had built a community around me....I was helping people and enlarging the ministry of the birth center I was given to run. Time was passing on and though I adored my job, my home and my friends; I couldn't help but be lonely. I missed HER and I wanted to achieve my early dreams of being a wife and mother. Soon a man would come and sweep me off my feet and I fell ...hard. I was gonna marry him until I realized he couldn't love me the way a man loves his wife, and let's not even talk about the prenuptual aggreement. I hit bottom hard. I had not lost weight and had lost inspiration to be alive and well. When this was going on, a good friend who worked for a Foster Care Agency had convinced me to not give up my dream of motherhood..I was heartbroken and even a little depressed. I continued to run the birth center and enlarge the birth community....still something was missing. SHE was missing ...my dreams were but a small memory. My friend Shelbi convinced me to open my home to foster teens teen moms and or babies. I was unsure but I took a leap of faith....fast forward on my grandmother's one year anniversary of HER death when I became a grandmother (so to speak) I got a 14 yr old girl with a 3 month old baby boy, both in severe need of a good mother. For months, I felt as I was failing day by day, but they stole my heart and I loved being their mother...it didn't matter that I didn't get pregnant and give birth...they were mine..they ARE mine, both of them equally. So there I was running a birth center, raising 2 children and trying to take care of 30+ women. My family was supportive of where I was in my life now, but something didn't feel right.. I felt torn ...I felt worthless in both roles Midwife and Mother... I could not give it my all....I owe that to all involved ...After a few incidents, prayer and figuring out where to go in my life ...my friend Tina said...you know what to do...do it! I made the decision to leave my home, my job, my birth center, and my community...I made the decision to move to El Paso...for many reasons... I missed teaching to a greater extent and Casa de Nacimiento is a teaching facility. I couldn't be on call 24/7 and take care of my children the way I wanted to ...At Casa , I would have a set schedule and when I am off I am off ....I missed my family and want to be there for them I owe that to HER... I want to finish what I started...whether that is Nursing or Nurse Midwifery ( I won't leave midwifery, I just might add RN as another title of mine:) ). I want to be an active participant in my daughter and son's life.I needed my family and my daughter Nicole needs them too. I want to invest in others' lives personally and be the friend I love to be ...the one who sees the sadness and hurt when others don't and be there for them and not just to those who are pregnant ;) ...I miss having the energy I had with the giftGod gave me... to pour into other's lives totally and getting into their lives and loving them through it all..the listener! I used to do that ALOT...I miss meeting strangers and connecting with them and being a dependable friend even through the distance ;). Granted, I can't do it all, but I will try! ....
So now here I am...at home in El Paso being a full time mother and midwife and trying to do it successfully. I am here pursuing the loves of my life...being a mother, a midwife, a good family member, a dependable friend , a woman after God's own heart! This has been a long journey and I am only mentioning clips and there is so much more life to live and I am living it...between school meetings, babies being born, my baby snuggling with me, and Kumbia Aerobica.....I have found fun and joy in the sadness and lonliness... I am begin to shed off the weight that I have hung on to due to depression and unforgiveness ( for all the Jillian bigest loser fans, I have not forgiven myself for not being here for my grandmother and not been able to shed the rest of the weight)...I have loved excercising thanks to my aunt Julie and Eunice ( my instructor).. I have a great profession thanks to Melody, Aly and Linda and to Shelbi for my children. Life is hard, but I am finding that peace ( thank you, Lord!) and my footsteps in the life I dreamed of...just not exactly how I planned it..
If you are tagged, it's because even if I couldn't mention you in this story, please know that you have inspired me to be the best I can be.... as woman, mother, midwife and friend! I appreciate you for walking this with me in a close and personal way even if you didn't know it. You either spoke into my life or inspired me and I want to recognize you! Some of you will be surprised...you just never know how you touch someone's life even if it's but a moment....I hope I didn't bore you...but this is me and where I am... Call me if you ever wanna reconeect, connect , a listening ear or need a shoulder to cry on.. :) Love to all!
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